Secret Diary of an Astrology Student
(age 39 and 3/4) -- Chapter 2

Astrology Humour by Sue Armitage (c)1996 NOV 25

A saucy, satirical series by a naughty neophyte in her British beginner's astrology course. Continued from Chapter 1.

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Astrology Class - Term 2

Week 1: Astrology class reconvenes. Have spent Xmas holiday reading my new Astrology text book, so feel ARMED AND READY for this. Speedily discover that Illustrious Tutor does not admire its author and, in fact, does not agree with anything in it. Contemplate burning text book. Also contemplate burning effigy of Illustrious Tutor. Decide to cross him off next year's Xmas card list. (And might stick small pin in effigy to see if it works.)

Saturday: Went to friend's 40th birthday party. Spent some time flirting with boring man in kitchen. This is a Taurean REFLEX RESPONSE to male interest and not my fault! Aw, shucks! Use it or lose it, I say! Asked him for time/date/place of birth and agreed to meet him for lunch next Friday to discuss his horoscope.

Sunday: Had headache and SEVERE MISGIVINGS about lunch date. Can't remember man's name but drew his chart anyway. Looks like he could be a MASS MURDERER.

Week 2: Illustrious Tutor talked about the houses and confirmed my WORST FEARS. My lunch date has the Sun in SCORPIO in the EIGHTH HOUSE !! Illustrious tutor says the 8th house is concerned with traumas and money and the tax man. Dreaded text book says: KINKY SEXUAL OBSESSIONS. How come this man seemed so BORING ??? Decide lunch date is DEFINITELY ON!!!

Friday lunchtime: Guess what? His name is GEOFFREY. He is an ACCOUNTANT, and he is obsessed with his ex-wife and the CHILD SUPPORT AGENCY. Spend 1 hour 47 minutes giving him a free counselling session. Seriously consider calling the ex wife to congratulate her on dumping him. On the evidence of this experience, consider that Illustrious Tutor's accuracy may be considerably better than dreaded text book.

The main trouble with astrology is that it's a bit like FOG. You think you know where it begins and ends, but when you try to get hold of it it moves around a lot:

My brain is like a jam jar
Let's fill it up with fog
And if it's there tomorrow
Each cog will be agog.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, LEWIS CARROL!

Week 3: More about houses and angles. The trouble with house positions is, for them to be right, you have to know your precise time of birth. Mine is somewhat approximate. As an only child, I really think my mother might have noted the exact time of this momentous event in her life. NOT SO.

Mother's view on my birth (direct quote): "I seem to remember it was nearly tomorrow, dear, but mainly I was wondering how something so nice could lead to something so nasty."

Translation: About 11 p.m. Thank God for Marie Stopes -- I won't get caught like this again. Sacrifice and suffering were NOT my mother's strong points. Is it any wonder I've turned out like this?

Homework: What are our angular planets and what do they tell us about ourselves?

Week 4: Spent AGES looking this up. My angular planets are Mars, Uranus, and Neptune.
LIKELY INTERPRETATION: Likes sports, dynamic, original and imaginative.
UNLIKELY ALTERNATIVE: Likes sex, weird, perverse, and completely out of it 90% of the time.
FORTUNATELY, Illustrious Tutor has completely forgotten he asked us to do this for homework, so am able to avoid fellow students' opinions on my psyche. N.B. Decide to take up sport (tennis looks reasonably civilised).

Week 5: Look at supposed chart of Henry VIII. Looks like he and I have a lot in common -- apart from him being the King of England, being married 6 times and murdering a lot of people, that is. (Give me time...)
N.B. Found school tennis racquet in attic but it's gone all sort of baggy. Pity. I really did want to play tennis...

Friday: GEOFFREY CALLED. I've agreed to go to the theatre with him next week. WHY DO I DO THIS? It's all the fault of an article I read in a magazine when I was 15. It said: "If you say `no' to a man it will ruin his PSYCHOLOGICAL PATTERN". This was obviously written by a man. (I also seem to remember it was about being asked to dance -- but you can see what damage these seemingly innocuous scribblings can do!)

Week 6: ASTRONOMY. Astronomy is a science and a NECESSARY EVIL. Astrology is an ART. This is interesting. Astrology started off as a science because when it was born it WAS astronomy. Now it HAS to be an art because Aries is now Pisces. Have noticed astronomers behave in a RATHER SUPERIOR manner and look down their noses at astrologers. As the signs of the Zodiac no longer bear any physical relation to the constellations with the same names, they can't imagine how it could possibly work. Astrology is all about MYTH and SYMBOLISM. This is not a problem. Unless you have tunnel vision and/or are an astronomer. (OH DEAR! PASSION STIRS. Must look for a soapbox...)

Saturday: THEATRE. Geoffrey has a VOLVO which is full of child seats and biscuit crumbs. The play is an Alan Ayckbourne, about a marriage breakup. It is very witty, but upsets Geoffrey. He weeps on my shoulder all through Act III. This activates my Pisces moon (although my sympathy is tempered somewhat by concern for my new silk jacket). Suggest Geoffrey TELL his wife he is still potty about her, and make an appointment with Relate. In exchange for this helpful and unbiased advice, Geoffrey agrees to fill in my tax return and forward it to the Inland Revenue. A GRATEFUL ACCOUNTANT could be a USEFUL THING!

Week 7: TRANSITS (last lesson before Easter). This is very exciting. Plan to sort my life out ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! Illustrious Tutor is in good form. Regaled us with graphic and gory details of the Gods' private lives. Optimistically examine my chart and transiting planets. Feel less excited.

My interpretation: Will put on weight, feel tired and emotional, and in a couple of years I'm quite likely to drop dead. This sounds like a BLESSED RELEASE. Consult DREADED TEXT BOOK for alternative forecast: Will enlarge social contacts, look at myself more realistically (unlikely!), and in a couple of years I'll probably redecorate my house. It's REALLY LUCKY I didn't burn that text book...

(c)1996 by Sue Armitage - London, England

(To Be Continued... watch for Chapter 3.)

Your comments are invited, and will be passed on to Sue. If we encourage her enough, we might get to see more than the two additional chapters she has already submitted. To share your views on Sue's secret diary, just e-mail Michael by selecting the |MAIL- Michael| hotlink below.

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First published NOV 25 1996. Last updated MAY 01 1997 01:00 EDT

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