Secret Diary of an Astrology Student
(age 39 and 3/4) -- Chapter 1

Astrology Humour by Sue Armitage (c)1996

A saucy, satirical series by a naughty neophyte in her British beginner's astrology course.

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Astrology Class - Term 1

Week 1: Started Astrology classes. Most concerned to discover our Illustrious Tutor despises Taureans, as they are greedy, fond of excesses of the VERY WORST KIND, and insufferably slow and boring. Shows how much he knows. I am a model of sensitivity and propriety (apart from that incident with the psychologist and the strawberry ice cream in 1982 -- and that was only in the interests of dispelling our baser instincts to achieve spiritual unity -- so it quite clearly doesn't count).

Week 2: Things have picked up slightly. The mysteries of astrology have deepened, but the woman sitting next to me is very interesting, and A MAN has joined. Wonder if he's interested in Taurean excesses? N.B. Remember geometry set for next week.

Week 3: Start to draw our charts. This is very difficult
a) because I bought a cheap geometry set and the compass slips all over the place, and
b) because it is very difficult.

The interesting woman next to me says she is thinking of doing yoga instead -- either that or committing suicide -- she hasn't quite decided.
THE MAN is interested in Taurean excesses. Also, he is not interested in astrology. Dismiss him totally. You can't win 'em all!

Week 4: Continue drawing our charts. WHAT CAN IT ALL MEAN ? Listen to a lot of complicated stuff about British Summer Time. Decide to be a famous astrologer for people born in the WINTER months only.

Week 5: Illustrious Tutor explains Sidereal Time. "It's 24 hours spread over a year" That must be like half a pound of butter spread over 5 loaves of bread (and 2 fishes -- joke, Ha! Ha!) The butter would have to be really, really soft, otherwise you'd never manage it. Decide to be a famous sandwich maker instead.

Week 6: Discover I have a Sagittarius Ascendant. This means I enjoy a challenge. On way home get tow bar wedged under a fellow student's bumper. Removing this whilst trying to cause minimal damage is quite challenging.

Week 7: Knuckle down to the challenge of astrology. I'm sure it's not all that difficult when you set your mind to it. FEEL VERY SUPERIOR, as the interesting woman I sit next to is still mystified. Try to explain it to her, and confuse her totally. Decide she needs my "psychological blockage" lecture. She is not impressed, and threatens not to sit next to me any more.

Astrology Class - Half Term

Saturday: Went to posh dinner party. Told hostess I was studying astrology. Everyone thought I was very mysterious and exciting. (Made mental note not to see these people too often, in case they discover I'm not mysterious and exciting)

Week 8: Draw aspect lines on our charts. If you have lots of green lines on your chart, that means you've had an easy time of it. Lots of red lines is very stressful. How can this be? My chart is a veritable Clapham Junction of green lines, and my life is a catalogue of disasters! "Ah," says Illustrious Tutor, "but red lines are character-building. People with too many green lines rest on their laurels and get tossed around like flotsam and jetsam." Talk about moving the goal posts! Begin to suspect astrology is not an exact science.

Weekend: Decide to do some character-building. Drove to Exmoor with walking boots, map and one man tent.
11:00 a.m. Left car at pub and set off with enthusiasm.
12:30 p.m. My God! CAN IT RAIN ON EXMOOR!! As luck would have it, had remembered to pack the cellular phone and, even more luckily, had picked up number of taxi firm from pub. Rested on laurels (four poster laurels!) overnight and drove home after leisurely lunch. A pioneering weekend!

Week 9: Start interpretation of completed charts -- Illustrious Tutor says the most important planets are the sun and the moon. The sun is more important if you are a man, because it is masculine and to do with ego, and men are more egotistical. If you are a woman, the moon can be more important because the moon is feminine and to do with emotion, and women are more emotional.

WHAT IS THIS SEXIST RUBBISH ??? Illustrious Tutor is EXTREMELY FORTUNATE I put away the radical feminist jackboots when last year's Women's Studies course ended! (Actually, I put them away about three weeks before the end of the course, after discovering that radical feminists were supposed to be lesbians. Spent the last three weeks of that course feeling VERY SHIFTY, I can tell you!)

Week 10: Trying hard to digest this amazing astrological evidence that men and women are different! This goes against years of feminist conditioning.

Decide to re-invent myself. WORE A SKIRT, and flirted with illustrious tutor. Later watched video of "Ghost" and WEPT COPIOUSLY without guilt! This is wonderful -- FAR more liberating than being liberated!

Week 11: We are given WELL KNOWN PERSON'S chart to interpret. WOW! This person is Taurean, artistic, and VERY, VERY EXCESSIVE! Fall desperately in love. This man needs ME !! Suddenly notice his age is about 90. Discover he is also dead. C'est la vie -- a unique opportunity for a truly spiritual relationship.

Week 12: End of term. Nearly Christmas. Add large, expensive text book to my presents list. Am completely CAPTIVATED by astrology. Psychology without the chat! It's straight to the core and no messing -- and there's nothing a Taurean likes better than getting straight to the core! Roll on next term ...

(c)1996 by Sue Armitage -- London, England --

(To Be Continued... watch for Chapter 2 on NOV 25 1996.)

Your comments are invited, and will be passed on to Sue. If we encourage her enough, we might get to see more than the two additional chapters she has already submitted. To share your views on Sue's secret diary, just e-mail Michael by selecting the |MAIL-MICHAEL| hotlink below.

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First Published 21 OCT 1996. Last Update MAY 01 1997 01:00 EDT

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(All material on this page is copyrighted (c)1996, and may not be transmitted, published, or sold in any media without the expresss permission of the author. All rights reserved.)